This story is a continuation of My Faith Journey (part 1) so if you haven’t read that post click on the link to go read that first.
PSA Happy Good Friday to all my Catholics out there!
Since the infamous event that happened in the last story, I have been super involved in my church. I have joined the very retreat team that changed my life and was social media director for the youth group at my church. I have attended rallies within my diocese and large national conferences. I have gone to adoration at least once a month and prayed almost every day since. It hasn’t always been easy but it has been a joy.
I decided after that night at adoration to join the team. I am now a part of the very retreat team that changed my life. I made a vow of abstinence to myself and God (I know archaic. Who would ever do that? Oh yeah, me!) It has been four years since that day and I have been “opening session coordinator” somewhat unofficially but it was loads of fun. I have also been leading small groups for a few years now and I have done several testimonies of my faith from talking about how I chose to follow God to how the view I have of myself has changed since knowing God in this new way. Some of these testimonies are better than others.
I have attended local rallies for young people and national conferences like Steubenville, which was so cool. I even met Leah Darrow! It was so cool and through those experiences I have learned more about my faith and my God and sometimes even where I fit in all of this. I have discovered the type of woman I want to be and have heard from those who inspire me to be that woman. I have cried at the sight of Christ in the monstrance and laughed and smiled and everything in between. I have loved and been loved in ways I never knew possible. In adoration I have heard music that seems like God is speaking directly to me, saying “I am here and I love you” or “You are not alone, trust in me.”
But, yes a but, bet you didn’t see that coming. Maybe you did. I don’t know.
BUT, it hasn’t been easy. It still isn’t easy. I struggle. Heck, I am struggling (as in currently.) I have trouble trusting in God and following his plan because as you might have seen in my last post I am a planner. I want to be in control sometimes, but that is not how life works. I am currently working on trusting and having faith in God that he will lead me down the right path. Kind of a side note but not really: I have had serious baby fever recently. I want to have a child, like bad. Not happening anytime soon because abstinence and single and not in love and no husband and all that. I have this plan that I want to be married in three years and have a baby no less than one year into marriage. I have realized recently, that this may not happen. Not because I am lonely, sad and single but more so because I know that it might not be God’s plan and I need to be ok with that even if it is hard. I have also been ridiculously nervous the past few weeks. Sometimes it gets so bad that I cannot focus on anything. Some days I get lonely and sad; I can’t feel God and I get in this funk. I feel like I’m not where he needs me to be; I’m not worthy of His love. I am trying to learn to trust in the Lord and lean on his understanding of my plan and this world, not on my own.
So, as you can see I am still finding my way in this world and I am learning to trust in God all over again. Everyday. Not just when I feel him around but at all times. It’s stinking hard! This is where I am right now. Maybe, in a year, I will be able to write a post about how much I grew from this moment. Maybe. Right? I think so. I really do. I have to trust that God will guide me.
“Did I not tell you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?” (John 11:40)